From The Roundhole

Even the best of us sometimes feel anger at someone who has what we want, what we desire. Envy, jealousy, all horrible emotions but real nonetheless. And at least it seems for me, the easier it appears that they received this thing, the angrier it makes me. And sometimes I don't know what to do with it, except turn it inward upon myself. Possibly I am judging my insides by others outsides I don't know. But I know it feeds itself, and grows, and I hate that.

Is it possible to mourn for something we never really had? To long for something that never really was? Or is it that we simply realize that something important is missing from ourselves, and that we are somehow not complete. What if, like me, you realize what that something is? And it is no longer a possibility? Then what? 

I do not fear the future

I do not mourn the past

What I do fear is the future,

without the past,

to keep it company.

Now, may simply be,

not enough.

If you could choose to hold one last person in life,

who would it be?

She is out there somewhere,

this woman that loves me to her core.

This woman that I adore with all my heart.

She is looking for me.

And I have no idea who she is.

Except for the rain, it's quiet here. I listen to the drops landing on all sorts of things and pick out all the differences there are. Have you ever tried to listen to raindrops and think about what they are hitting? Certainly I can hear the street, and leaves and the roof. Other little items are harder. Interesting exercise though. OK, so I am tired. And can't sleep. But I can remember what rain sounds like on a badly formed metal drain. I miss that. Funny huh.

There exists a wonderful little home and it is perfect for me. It has a big deck overlooking the water, a Bar-B-Que for when it is hot in the summer and hot tub for the winters chill. Lots of windows, two stories of course so that I can share the treetops with the birds and wildlife. Underneath it has a terrific garage all set up to build things out of wood or just putter about when I get old. If I close my eyes I can walk around this house, touch things, move things etc. It is only in my mind that it exits because that's where it was built. At first I was in a place in my life where I thought the house was for me alone. But now as I close my eyes I can clearly see that this little house and I will need some company. Someone to share the couch with, and what good is a hot tub for one? Putting these thoughts out into the universe is the first step :-)

I cannot be bitter

Even when the tears fall

Though I had to let you go

My heart knows

I learned how to love from you

You found something hiding

I did not know was missing

An unlit fire down in my soul

Now my heart knows

I learned how to love from you

You loved like there was never a risk

Shared your heart with every tender kiss

Now I know how much I have to give

'Cause I learned how to love from you

If I start to fall again

I'll close my eyes and not resist

Without fear I'll just let go

'Cause my heart knows

That I learned how to trust

In the power of a touch

I learned how to love from you.

Written by Steve Nathan and Tim Mensy. Sung by Trace Adkins. Gifted to Kirainred.

It’s such a long drive, past Blackwell road

Times blurs for me…a heart grown cold

Hands tight on the wheel, now don’t look left

Another red truck, I pay that debt

Blackwell road, my dreams fill with your memory

Blackwell road, you’re always on my mind

Blackwell road, my heart longs for you gently

Blackwell road, oh Blackwell road.

It occurs to me that everyone has a motive for everything they do. A reason if you will. What if we cannot find a reason for our continued existence? Are we to wait patiently until one arrive? Do we look for it daily hoping it will reveal itself? Or do we just continue, day in, day out and hope we might create one through our actions. Today I do not have a reason.

It is a very foolish man that hides his heart from himself for fear of loosing what he did not have to begin with.