From The Roundhole

Acceptance has never been an easy task for me. Especially when the situation is something I do not want to have happen in my life. The last few days I have been witness to many people around me struggle with accepting things that for them are very hard. I am surprised at the grace and poise of some of these people. Their resolve to make the best of a bad place in their lives, even though a daunting task gives me hope that I can learn from them and follow at least in spirit in their footprints. There are people in my life that at this moment need love and blessing from me. And though it means I understand I will have to go through much, I give them this. Because I am understanding that love really is the answer. Even if not for me.

I have been watching the television show Lost off and on now going on three years. As odd as the show is, I find myself drawn to it. I would like to figure out the mystery and see where it is going. There is something more though, something beneath the surface of the show itself. I find myself somewhat jealous of the characters lives on the island. I imagine what it would be like to be stripped of the normalcy of our world, and have to concentrate on the most basic of survival skills. Food, water, shelter and of course..not being eaten by a bear :-) Odd huh.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 48 years old. As I look back upon this year, I can honestly say that I am not in any way shape or form where I thought I would be. I have though, learned some very valuable lessons. Unfortunately it was at the cost of lost love, many tears and self doubt beyond my comprehension. Life goes on right? Or is it just living.

After typing this I remembered I posted on my 47th birthday as well. I made myself a promise then, a year ago. I realize with sadness that I have not completed what I thought I would. I am still searching for something. In fact, I am less now than I was then. Even the hopes I had at that time are now gone, and not a possibility. At some point I think we all get tired. As I type tonight, I hope for inner strength to keep searching.

In what could be said as frosting on a particularly emotional weekend for me, I learned today that my good friend Dinah lost her beloved little dog Cody yesterday. I do not believe I have ever seen a bond between a dog and its person quite like this one. It truly was as if they spoke the same language and understood each other completely. It is also the only dog I ever saw that had its own 'voice'. A lot like Mickey Mouse in fact, of course with profanity. Those of you that know Dinah and Cody will understand. Those of you who don't...well, you have missed out on one of the funniest conversations I have been witness to.

So for my friend Dinah, my thoughts are with you. And for Cody, go find Riley. And tell him not to eat cat poop. You know how he is.

I will miss you dearly my little friend.

I have heard people talk sometimes that when they grow weary, when life becomes a little  too much all at once, that they "just want to go home." Yes, The Wizard of Oz is my favorite movie. I understand that feeling, but right now, I'm not sure where that is. Certainly it is most easily designated by ones heart, but if you can't find that, then what?

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but clarity is what I seek. I will start with clarity of self.

I have realized lately that it is through the eyes of others that we see ourselves. We are for the most part, as others see us. We do get a choice of course in who we spend time with, who becomes and remains our friends, and ultimately, how we view ourselves. They are our mirror.

 This will make me more carefully consider how I view others from now on. What I say to them, and even if they don't believe it to be important, my opinion, as how I see them does matter in the whole. I am going to choose to see the good parts. The rest I will leave up to someone else.

I have learned a lesson in kindness in a rather odd way over the last few days. We interact with people all day long, in traffic, in the store, at the drive through restaurant. In all of these places I am mostly impatient and less than tolerant of people not going when the light turns green, being a little spacey here and there. Over the last few days I have struggled some, have not had my mind on task, and have been my own victim of honked horns, loud voices and a raised finger or two. What I have learned is that we truly do not know where people are at in their own lives. Have they just lost someone dear to them? Just gotten fired? Worried about a sick child or worse? I am going to practice more kindness. That is the gift my grief has taught me.

I wanted yesterday to do this web entry, but the web seemed to conspire against me and I was unable to post a thing. So, a day late. Such is life.

What a strange prison our minds are able to create.  What free people we would be if we were able to escape the bars that we impose upon ourselves. Our thoughts become facts. Our fears rule us, while inactivity becomes inability. Afraid to lose we do not risk, and lose the thrill of winning. And maybe worst of all, we fear being hurt, so we do not love. And lose everything anyway. We cannot have what we do not give freely. And therein lies the contradiction. How sad that I didn't learn this earlier.

And what happens dear readers...when you no longer believe in anything?

Someone commented the other day on here how the smallest thing can change everything. I have never really believed there is any divine anything. Any plan written out, decided upon, or even thought of. I believe it is chaos. Things just happen, no rhyme, no reason. It's a little scary when you think about it. This also leads me to realize that I don't really believe in a divine presence. Because certainly if there was one...they would have made some kind of plan, no?

"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts".

I think this is important to me right now.

I have heard people talk of this. A single moment, or second, when they knew their lives would never be the same. Has anyone experienced this? Good or bad. Would you care to share with the rest of us?

Also, I have 50 some odd folks who have subscribed to this journal. I would love to know who you are :)

So tonight while watching television I see this great marketing attempt by Quiznos. It says, try one of our subs, and if you are not happy....you get a free sub!!! What kind of stupid guarantee is that? If it sucks you get another one that sucks? Maybe other professions should try that concept...Lawyers. Hey...if we don't get you off and you go to jail, your next crimes on us! Or dentists that pull the wrong tooth, certainly they will get it right the next time around. Or maybe teachers. I'm sorry folks, I screwed it up so badly that your child is an idiot. But hey!...you've got another younger kid right? I'll do better next time. There are some things in life that you just don't get a 'do over'. Which brings me to this thought. Are you doing what you want? Are you happy? Does anyone ever feel there has to be something more than what they have now? I mean really...I don't think we get a do over in life.

I know that for the most part, this web site is small and rarely updated. I've been thinking about that, and hopefully will start adding some photography soon as the colder winter months keep me inside more. I have some new topics in mind...cars, boat building etc. For those of you who do visit, thanks for your patience.

Back to the topic. Today I realized that almost 2000 unique visitors a month are looking at this place. That is a lot of folks! But I have not had a guest book entry in almost a year! What the hell is wrong with you people lol.

 

So...I want to know what other people do when they finally hit the pillow. In the time between that and the time you actually fall asleep, what do you think about? Do you recount your day? If so why? Do you do it so that you might see where you could have improved or changed it? Or do you just think about it and go "aw hell." Maybe your one of those people who simply fall asleep...how amazing that would be.

Myself...I count. Numbers not sheep. Sheep sure are stupid by the way. I think of the numbers, try to visualize different versions (fonts?) until I'm out.

How about you?

When I started this little place on the web, my intention was to keep my identity a secret so that I was afforded the opportunity to say anything I wanted without reprisal. That of course has changed.

As I read other people thoughts on their pages, I wonder how much of it is truth, and how much of it is what they are willing to allow people to know about them.

Here is some truth. I feel very lost sometimes. Constantly wondering if I might have some higher purpose. Searching for oneself gets lonely sometimes. I wonder how many others feel that way :)

I recently had someone very dear to me try to take her own life. I'm not sure what I want or need to say here, so if I ramble I apologize in advance. What horribly deep hopelessness would cause someone to carve themselves up with a box cutter? I cannot express to anyone reading this how deep the sadness that my friends choice has caused me. I was for most of yesterday in a fog. I feel a mix of hopelessness, anger and frustration that I can't quite put in words. I have been told I am a 'fixer'. Possibly that is true...I would give anything to be able to fix this. It seems to have made everything else pale in importance. I am open to thoughts.

Two little words. Bye daddy. Who would have thought they would make a big tough (stop laughing you) guy like me cry. I spent a wonderful week with my little girl and her Aunt. I knew when they left I would be sad. How sad I did'nt know, but this makes me understand what is most important. People. Family. And those that you love.