From The Roundhole

Today was a good day. I learned and felt something first hand that I have only heard others speak of. I think also this is the first time I have needed it as well. There can be no new life without death. No spring without winter. And laughter and happiness would have no meaning without sadness. As such, nothing new can begin without something else ending. I have all the endings I need.

I have one now. It is as real as the air I breath. The coolest part is that it's already happened, it's just not all here yet.

The Universe and I have made an agreement. You see, I learned a secret in the last few days, and what a wonderful thing this is to learn. I am pretty excited that my hopes and dreams are about to become reality. In fact, are becoming reality just as I type this. Knowing that the problems of the past are behind me, and knowing what an amazing future I am about to have is pretty exciting. I am preparing myself for an amazing ride.

  fini

Tonight I am hoping for this. I think it will make life simpler when chaos seems to abound. I am going to go to bed at a certain time, wake, eat, work out etc. The decision of what to do when will then already be made. That should leave some time for the Universe to do its thing. At least it will know where the hell I am :-)

Today was an interesting day. I believe it is the first Christmas of my life that I have spent the entire day and not seen a single person. It makes me think about all sorts of things, mainly, how do I want to spend the remaining Christmas' that I have left. Up until now, I did not realize that I do not feel home here. I feel as though I cannot go forward, and can not go back. Quite the dilemma :-) Certainly this is the opposite of last year. I wish I knew then what I know now. Almost every aspect of my life that is important is different. Very different. Ah well...I wonder what next year will bring?

I have been thinking a lot lately about things. I have all of these things that I do not use. I think it is time to clean house. No one needs 37 shirts, 15 pairs of shoes, 4 vehicles etc. As nice as it is to have things, it complicates life and allows complacency for me. I also think that items will become more "special" if you do not have a ready replacement. Also, money could certainly be spent better. It's time to think about retirement, about people and relationships and what I'm going to do with the time I have left. So...Have I convinced you? Or am I just trying to convince myself lol.

Ya know...sometimes I am just weird. I'm not sure what possessed me tonight, but it was storming, raining, cold and the wind was blowing very hard. I was trying to relax and all the howling and such was getting on my nerves a little. So, instead of grabbing another blanket and getting under the covers a little further, I put on jeans and a t-shirt and went outside. I stood into the wind, and allowed it to envelope me. The cold wind and rain beat on me, pushed me about, and no matter how hard I tried to remain very still, I could not change the effect it had on me. Life is like that sometimes. No matter how badly you want something, no matter how hard you try, it simply does not matter. The wind will always win. If you're crazy.

I went for a long drive last night again. Didn't get home until well after midnight. I don't know why its cathartic for me to do this, but certainly it wakes up my brain to all sorts of possibilities. Its also interesting to note how much things change just by sleeping for a few hours. What I thought was possible last night isn't even close to what's real today. I need to think about this...I feel another drive coming on :-)

A few days ago I unpacked and hooked up an old desktop computer. As I went through the old files to see if anything was needing saved before I wiped it clean I found an old program i used for massage. All of my patients were there, and a lot of memories were brought back by reading the list of names. What interests me most, is that I got to my name. I had been practicing entering in information and had been using my own stats and such to learn with. As I was looking through the info, I clicked on the 'hobbies' tab and found I had entered only one word in my hobbies section. That word, was LIFE. Wow, how interesting. I am not sure what happened to that person, where he went etc. But I want him back. sigh...more work to do :-) At least it is good work, for a good end.

I have not written much lately. Instead of talking, I have been trying to be quiet, and listen. Sometimes if I am still, sit back and watch, I find I can blend in a little. It's amazing the things you will hear people say, even if they do not realize they are saying it. The customer who seems overly aggressive, but is actually afraid. The coworker who seems to have it all going for him, but is in truth lonely and asking for help to not be that way anymore. Even ex's who say the most by not saying anything at all. We all have an unspoken language I think. Now I need to practice this upon myself. What am I saying between the lines. What emotions and motivations are just beneath the surface? More listening is due before I have any answers I believe. And just possibly I need to learn to ask myself the right questions.

I was almost involved in a head on collision today. At about 50, another car lost control while being pursued by the police and at about 80 mph he missed hitting me head on by perhaps a second or two. I watched as He crossed in front of the car I was in, all the way across 4 lanes of traffic, went thru a ditch at such a high speed his truck was then launched airborne perhaps another 30 feet completely over a set of railroad tracks. He crashed into a large chainlink fence where he finally stopped. Im sure our combined speed would have made for a pretty ugly wreck. The most interesting thing to me was that while watching this unfold, there was no fear, almost bemusement at the entire thing. That just can't be good lol.

I sure will be glad when the holidays are over and gas drops a little. It will certainly make long drives easier to do.

I realized today that four of my friends that have been searching have finally found love. What a wonderful thing to be thankful for. The world can certainly be a cold dark place by yourself. Even if you put yourself there. What better reward for a life well lived than to have found someone that loves you and you love back I cannot imagine. So for D, C, L and my sweet J, I am thankful you have found what you have.

It is Thanksgiving eve. My mind drifts back to this time last year and I realize that things could not be any more different. The closest thing I had to a family here is no more. And this is hard...and I think of Christmas, and that seems somehow even harder. I hope my feelings change by then. It will be a new year, and the time for tears will be over.

I bought a book a while back by David James Duncan. It was called 'The river Why'. A good read and an interesting look into growing up in a hippie type atmosphere of the great northwest. Tonight I picked up another of his on the recommendation of a work mate. This one is called The Brothers K. Has anyone read it? I am looking forward to it. Reading is good in the winter. It offers a much needed escape for me, and allows me to albeit temporarily, live someone else's life just a little.

I went for a long freeway drive tonight. Sometimes this helps me to clear my head as it takes little effort, is quiet, and much thinking can be done. As much as my old car loves to purr along at 70 mph, the headlights are poor at best and I easily overdrive them at this speed. It is only through faith that nothing dark is going to be parked in the lane that you can do this. There is a parallel for this in my life. I am cruising along, and all of a sudden out of nowhere something comes that I never saw coming. It happens so fast there is no time to prepare for it, let alone have my emotions adjust to the change. I could slow down I guess...but I have been accused once of being an emotional turtle. Possibly I just need to go faster and damn what I can't see in the dark. Maybe I'll get lucky one day and it will be something really hard.

I wonder tonight how many peoples lives are where they thought they would be, one, two, or even five years ago. Are you where you thought? Did you plan to be where you are or did you suddenly and unexpectedly just seem to arrive. I'm sure that somewhere a few of you are exactly what you thought you would be even as children. But life is unexpected. I wonder how much control we really have. If it is all planned out, then my puppet master sure has an odd sense of humor. Lets just hope there's another round and we get to try again.

I have been thinking much lately about who is important in my life, people who have affected me in a positive manner and certainly people I would miss dearly if they were gone. We have all heard that you should tell your loved ones how you feel and often, because you never know when it might be your last chance. Over the next few weeks I hope to create a photo page where I can show the world the people I love. If you happen to be one of these folks, better send me a pic you like, or I'll pick one of mine :-)

I sometimes feel an almost overwhelming urge to put something in this place. To say something profound, something that will make someone say wow. But when I find these thoughts, I realize at once they are of the most personal type and not really something that needs to be put out into the universe for all to see, and probably they are best left inside my brain aand blank on this page. I like that word...universe. I have someone dear to me sending me notes of the Universe. I find myself looking forward to reading them, and have thought of many over and over. I wish I had understood them earlier.

I spent tonight looking through things of my past. Old pics that I found, cards and letters. Even searching online and stumbling through myspace stuff and extended networks of things that once were. I thought that maybe I would find some peace and closure, or possibly reason, justification and validation of where I am, but for now I find sadness. I'm sure this will change in time. I realize I miss things that I never knew I would.