From The Roundhole

A possible side effect of my current situation seems to be that for whatever reason, time seems to have slowed to a crawl. It is strange, when I look at the clock at what should be hours later, it is a fraction of that. I have no idea as to why this is.

As part of learning where happiness comes from (inside) I have approached it a little backwards. imagine that, from me LOL. I have looked at things in my life that I truly miss. Things that bring sadness out in me because I will not do them again, like I did then. Things that if I could do them over again, and maybe only pick a few here and there, what would they be. I have came to find out, that if given the chance to re-live events, they would not be large things. They would not be grand things, or even expensive things. They would be little things, time spent laughing, holding, dancing. THOSE are the things that bring the most happiness, and the things that stand out in my mind as what I miss the most. Eating yogurt with baby spoons to make it more special, to last longer. To hear words like 'wrapped up like a little burrito.' Now all I have to do, now that I know what in rememberance brings joy, is to learn to re-create as many of those moments as I can. And hope that I do not have to look back one day and miss them. People can change.

Attitude. I have long believed that it is not exactly where you are in life, but where you think you are. Not what you have, but what you think you have. Even knowing this, I have an awful negative attitude a lot of the time. Friends have told me, 'well I would be negative as well if I were in your shoes' Hmm..some friends LOL-( and maybe if my attitude was not so crappy I would not have been in there in the first place?) , but the truth is that my lousy attitude has cost me. It costs me friends, it costs me trust, it costs me people wanting to be around me, and most recently was a huge part in costing me someone I love dearly. I have allowed, yes allowed, my attitude to cost me so many things. I was told not too long ago that "you are a glass half empty kind of person, and I am a glass half full." At the time, I did not realize the importance and scope of that statement, but I do now. So....as part of my continual learning about things, I am going to strive to see things as better, and really, isn't perception most of the battle of our own reality? People do change, and seeing what needs to happen for me is the very first step. Hopefully the next lesson will not be quite so difficult. And if it is, i will at least see it with a more positive outlook.

Now...where is my half full glass of water?

Thats what the book says, "It's really very simple. It calls for living without preconceived ideas about how life should be lived.

That is a tall order for me.  And I am positive I am overcomplicating this-again.

Who would have ever thought that my new journey would include Winnie the Pooh, Siddartha and myself as traveling companions?

...lies within us. It has always been there, waiting patiently for us to discover it. We only need to be still, and to listen carefully, with intent for it. The exterior is meaningless. No matter what the question.

I am a fortunate man. I have tasted love and it's sweetness in a kiss. I have felt it through the touch of another, as simple as a hand on my face. I have heard it through the sound of a voice, even though the words were not spoken. I have seen it, not through my own eyes, but from the eyes of someone else while they were looking at me. It is the greatest gift there is. And the only reason we are here. Love.

When I moved across the country, it was in a large part to change my life. To re-invent myself into a better person, with better circumstances etc. Much of this has worked, but a large part of me is exactly the same as it has been for many years.

It has been my secret identity.

That's me, the Hand me down Man. Up untill this morning, I realize that this is how I have felt about myself my entire life. I have felt (with a few minor exceptions) as though everything I have ever had, been involved with, worked for etc., always seemed to be used, a second, a refurb. From cars to significant others, everything has been, well, used. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I expect to be dissapointed. I rely on things not working out in my favor. Even when good things happen, I secretly feel as though there must be some kind of mistake, and that soooner or later the Universe is going to catch on and re-adjust. I have thought this way for so long that it is how I think I have came to view myself and my life. We do become our thoughts I think, even if they are false thoughts. And certainly many of mine are/were.

Time to be the change. Thoughts become things. I will re-invent myself again. This time from the inside out. I will be new, and fresh. I will try things I have never tried before, I will see things no one has seen before. I will compile a list of 'Firsts' that need to be taken care of. My outsides will reflect the change happening to my insides. I will create this change because I already see it as the truth. Along the way I will aspire to take a few people with me. I will no longer be a victim. If anyone catches me slipping, please feel free to kick my ass.

What a simple little word, no. Easy to say, very pointed in its meaning, non-ambivilant. No. I've been thinking about this word the past couple of days, how I use it, what reaction people have to it, how I feel when someone says it to me.

 " Hi, can I help?" No.   Or a little more polite, "no thank you." I have been trying to respond lately with a "No, but thank you so much for asking, I appreciate the good service." You would be amazed at the difference it makes. I would think there are many times throughout the day that a few more words after that no, can make all the difference in someones day.

Sometimes though, that small little word can change your entire life. "Do you love me?" No.

 

 

I am not sure why I visit this place mostly when I am down, when I am in deep thought. Yesterday I canceled this web site. I don't post here, no one ever posts a comment here, but as I have spent the last hour or so reading my entire journal back to front I have realized, this is a very personal place, and contains some of my deepest thoughts that I would only share with those who are dear to me. They are not sugar coated, they are simply the truth in my heart as I felt it. So...I believe I am going to leave this up a while longer. Try to write in it more often, and not only when I'm sad or into my brain, because there has been in the last several months so many incredibly happy days for me. If you are reading this, it is most likely that I allowed you to, and was not fearful of you knowing who I am, good and bad, sad, worse and even happy. So there ya go. And as if you could not tell, I am again at a huge turning point in my life.

That was the other shoe hitting the floor. I was wondering where it was. sigh.

This is what I have. I have never done anything amazing. I have not accomplished anything that will be remembered for long after I am gone, nor while I am here if I think about it. I, for the most part, feel as if I have taken more from the world than given. I hope that changes. Sometimes when it is quiet, I feel as though something great lurks just under the surface, just out of reach, not quite clear but almost. I can never quite put my finger on it. It makes me quiet inside. And more sad than not. I hope it does not feel like this always. Average. Something's missing.

It's been a while. Hopefully some updates will occur soon.

Time, it sure has been on my mind a lot. I am finding all these things I want to do, learn, enjoy. But I always seem to run out of time, or energy lol. The getting old thing is getting on my nerves :-)

Well, except for a few hiccups here and there I am finding myself constantly amazed at how my life seems to be heading in a direction that a few short months ago I could only dream of. woo

We only have so much time, and if you are like most of us, we only have so much money. There are so many things I want to see, do, make, experiance etc., that I am having a hard time doing any of them. Part of the problem of course is that all of these things seem to take money, between one and ten grand depending on which you look at. Do I finally break down and buy a new camera which of course will give me hours of enjoyment, but at the same time will be a never ending future financial investment. Do I get the supplies I have been wanting for quite some time and build that kayak I have been thinking about? Or maybe I do none of these things and save for 2 or 3 years and finally get the turbo on my car. My girlfriend always forgets the word and calls it a speedo, how cute is that? Do I shuck all of these ideas and live really modest and squirrel it all away for retirement?

Arrgh.

Yesterday was a nice day. My girlfriend Kate and I got to enjoy one of the benifits of my new job and took a boat out to explore the lake that is practically in my backyard. It was a pretty nice day, and we are both looking forward to spending more time there when the weather gets warmer. I've not been out past the bar yet. not sure that tuna fishing holds any great appeal for me but time will tell. I have caught myself looking at large old boats and wondering what it would be like to live on them. Certainly mooring fees are cheaper than rent! I find myself increasingly interested in alternative housing.

I have a friend, someone dear and important to me that I have never met. Is'nt the world an amazing place that this can happen? Anyone else have someone like this? We should never underestimate what a kind word, a small email, or even a few cookies can do to brighten up someones day :-)

Well...the job I now have. I get to play with boats most of the day, big ones, little ones, fresh water, ocean boats...and my favorite, big fast jet boats. I can't believe I'm getting paid for this!

Well...I can't imagine living anywhere that offers so much opportunity for every single outdoor activity that I either like to do or think I would like to learn. The ocean is a few moments away. One of the best fishing and skiing lakes in the state is at my backdoor. The photo opportunities are endless and includes all of the wonderful wildlife I have only seen in other magazines. A kayaker paradise. Kite boarding (although certain to end me up in the hospital lol) and hiking trails one could only imagine. Wow. Now all I need is a job to be able to pay to play. Cross your fingers for me, so far it's not worked out very well.

Now...all I need is an ugly fish to hang in the NW corner of the house :-) 

The big move. Trading in Pine trees and forests for sand dunes and waves. Oh...and a very cool lake three minutes away. It is nice to hear the ocean at night, and I am looking forward to many parts of it. Again...time will tell. One day I will be 'home.'