From The Roundhole

There is a space, a space in time between happy, that simply is. No amount of trying to change it will, no amount of wishing it away can, it simply needs to be lived to get through to the next happy. I sometimes think things come to me slowly, this has, and right now, I am just in that middle place, remembering what was, and hoping for what can be again. I hope its not a big space.

Happy Birthday my son, where ever you are.

Well, the big move is two weeks away. As it gets closer I have had a lot of time to think why I have chosen this route. Firstly, it was because of need, and secondly, it will allow me to do the right things for the people I love. The other option would have been sharing a home with a couple of folks, and I guess I value my privacy tooo much. I have never been a good room mate unless it was with someone I was in love with. Hmm..and possibly not very good then either.

I have had to give my dog of 12 years away :-( I still hear him sometimes at night, I sometimes don't know if I was dreaming or just hearing things.

I was told at work that we will be closing for a much longer time than normal this winter, so perhaps this is a good things as well. Possibly I can wander a little bit, and see some thingsI would like to see. Other than this job, I have finally realized there is simply no reason for me to stay here any more. I could go anywhere I want. School can all be done online. Now I just need to pick a direction to point myself, and hope that the wind stays at my back.

Well, it is official. I am now enrolled as a full time college student. I have been told that the future I have chosen will be a difficult road at the very least. Starting out with only 14 credits, but will also be working full time. I am really looking forward to the next year, and besides, it can't be anywhere as difficult as the last one was. Now...anyone know of any great scholarships? :-)

I was witness to something today. I've thought about it all day long. I was in a small store getting a bottle of water, when I watched a couple coming towards me. The man was in his 40's, a big guy, knit hat, plaid jacket while his wife was small, late 30's maybe and slightly mousy but still beautiful by any measure. The man was pushing a small cart with a few items, and a woman was following him. As they approached I overheard the woman speaking. She said, "Do you think we could get a bottle of champagne, a really cheap bottle, to celebrate our anniversary?" As I watched her face, and her eyes, I realized she knew the answer before it even came. Her husband ignored her, I watched him scowl as he walked past me. As she walked by, her eyes were to the ground in a profound sadness that I could feel from 10 feet away. I wondered what would happen if she looked up and saw me watching, but she did not. Although I don't know the entire story, if I could have gifted her that bottle I would have. It was obvious to me that she craved a little romance like someone dying of thirst in the desert. Men are stupid sometimes. There may be a day when that man wishes he could go back, change things. I know that I do.

I’ve been picking them up for a while now. Always when I am somewhere I consider ‘special’, but more likely when I consider somewhere special because of the person that is with me at the time. I have dozens now. I’m not entirely sure why I do this odd little habit, I think I have a naïve, childlike imagination in that somehow they will store and hold those good memories as energy of that day, that time in space. They sit on my desk, my windowsill, and sometimes spend days and weeks in my pocket. I suppose it is foolish to think of them as magical, possessing anything other than what they really are.

They are just stones...MollyStones.

And it is with a sad, desperate terribleness

That a man realizes in lonely quietude

That he has been tilting at windmills

Stone behemoths, unforgiving

That he himself hath created

Gleefully, singing happily

His heart open, but his eyes closed.

I lost a dear friend of mine yesterday. It was an interesting frindship in that I had never met her face to face. But we chatted on the phone, spent hours online sharing with each other, and just recently I had been invited for a visit to meet her and her husband. She cheered me when I was sad, helped me when I needed a friend, and always made me laugh. I am so glad to have known her, she will be missed. The following is something she wanted all her friends to see, so I am sharing here for her with all of you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain. When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!
Mary E. Frye

I will miss you my dear friend.

My father is named James Bryan Gillard. He uses Bryan as his first name. I do not know him, but I would like to. I think the last time I saw him I was 5, maybe 6. I also spoke to him on the phone once when i was 15 or so, but I do not remember very well. I believe him to be in his 70's by now, and he may live somewhere in the Portland Oregon area. Possibly Lakes Oswego, although that was 35 years ago or so. I also believe that I may have another sibling or two. That would be interesting, and I would like to know them, and him before it is too late. If anyone has a crystal ball.

Well, I officially feel more like a real oregon coastian. Is that a word? I spent Sunday learning how to can fresh tuna with the help of someone dear. I had a great time doing this and overall it was a pretty good day. Now I have 16 jars of Tuna sitting in the cupboard jjust wating for me. The taste is so much better than store bought, I was surprised at the differance. I'm now a Tuna snob LOL. The other thing that surprised me is the stench. Now...it has been three days and my house still smells like a fish barge left in the sun. Next time I will learn how to do this outside :-) I don't yet know how to make tuna casserole but I am going to try. I looked up a shrimp recipe not too long ago and tried cooking for the very first time. it was fun and something I think  I would like to learn a little more about. Maybe there is a class in my future....frozen dinners gets a little old after a while anyways. Desserts...thats what I'm looking for LOL.

Work will be shutting down for somewhere in between 2 and 5 weeks friday after next. While the lost income is not good, the time off will be. I can sleep in, go ride my bike, go to the gym in the middle of the day and maybe go for a drive down the coast. It seems odd to me to have no real responsibility to anything for two weeks. I admit the time would be better spent with someone to go somewhere with, but we certainly can't have everything now can we?

I also finally got the old motorcycle running. Next will be tags and insurance and that is something to look forward to in spring as well. It gets pretty wet here during the winter, so unless we get an Indian summer it will have to wait.

Two winters now have had me wanting a boat project to do, and although this would be a good time, the budget calls for a little more responsibility than building a boat this time around. Again, all things to look forward to in the future. Thoughts become things right?

And for those of you who have not yet noticed, I have allowed a friend of mine to post a journal here. Sam is a pretty coool guy and I admire him. He lives a life we should all be so fortunate to have. I hope you enjoy what he pecks out!

More later...me.

Lots of talk lately about our economy. In the last couple of days it has hit home to me. Someone I love mentioned they might lose their home. A workmate mentioned that if he loses his job this winter as we suspect he will, he too may lose his house. A customer of mine killed himself yesterday because he lost his job, could not make his boat payment and had to move back in with family. I always thought he was a tough guy, but apparently everyone has their limits on what they can take and what perceived burdens they can put on family.

The people running this country are so out of touch with reality that it sickens me. CEO's that make millions of dollars each year by lying, cheating and screwing the rest of us while they drive their own companies straight into the ground should be labeled as economic terrorrists and put in prison for their crimes against the rest of us. The burden that has been placed on all of us, so that a few can live ridicoulously wealthy lives is absurd. Sports figures, movie starts and the like waste millions of dollars anually on trivial things while babies go hungry right here in the US. I just read that Johnny Depp, (and I enjoy his movies) just received 50.8 MILLION dollars in advance for promising to make the pirates movie number 4. What is wrong with that picture? Over 50 million for doing what you love in life?

I will no longer support sports figures, and now may add movie stars to the list. I like the theater better anyways :-)

Happy birthday Sean. I hope today brings you happiness and love.

Dad.

...things are true whether we want to believe them or not.  My emotions of the last week are simply ineffable even to myself.  I am learning to listen to the quiet that is inside me. This is a stark contrast to what is usually black and white to me, and it's newness gives me pause to think about trusting what I am hearing. I am also finding out that I really enjoy sitting on my front porch while doing that. The wind is blowing tonight, cold and rainy and the usual walkers are not out. Snug and cozy I suppose in their homes with a fire going which I can smell when the wind turns just right.

Last night when it was late I heard what I thought was a strange group of loud children screaming from down the block. It was disconcerting to my sense of wellness and normalcy as the noises got louder and closer. It took me a while to understand I was hearing a flock of geese well above me flying into the night. As they flew closer their cries became raucous and confused. Slowly they faded into the distance and I wondered why they did this at night when daylight would be so much easier. I'm sure there is a simple reason.

I want more from life than what I have found so far. I want to understand more about so many things. I think I will start with night geese. Geese mate for life by the way. Amazing huh.

Everyone knows that the simplist way to get from one place in life to another is to have a plan. That and a little forward momentum will get you there. But what if you don't know where there is? I again find myself in the place that I could go anywhere, do anything. I have thought a lot lately that I just want to go home. But honestly, I don't know where home is. I thought I knew.  On one hand this could be upsetting, not to feel like I belong to anywhere nor anyone. That nobody would grieve for me if I were to move yet again, no one would really miss me. On the other I could look at it as a great adventure. If we are only here once, we should make the best of it. I could go to a different country, or go live in the wilderness somewhere. Possibly wander and try to find my soul in some nomadic lifestlye. I think that is why I like movies like LOTR, or others with kings, Wizards and such. Or why I thought being a cast member in the show LOST was intriguing. Escapism? Something...something must be out there calling to me, I simply can not hear it yet. I envy those with close families, and those who have heard thier calling in life. Or even have a plan.

Loving someone is a wonderful thing. All the cliche's about it actually seem to come true. Life is simply happier when you love someone. Now, if that love is not returned, how come we lose that feeling? Nothing really changed, you still should have that happiness inside because of what is, not what is not. It would seem to me that if those wonderful feelings go away, then that love was conditional. I don't want to be like that. I want to give what I have to give, what I am without a price tag. Without conditions. Thats what giving should be.

People change...simply because they can learn.

I am watching the presidential debates. What interests me the most, is that no matter who you vote for, no matter what the policies that you believe in, the simple fact that we are at war with more than one country, and have the possibility of war with several more, it's frightening. Russia has over 15 thousand nukes? I didnt know that. North Korea and Iran have nukes as well? We owe China HOW MUCH? wow. Pretty scary. Our economy is failing, we are stretched way thin. I think the USA is reaching a tipping point. The next few years are certainly going to be interesting.

I spend quite a bit of time now on my new porch. I read, watch the birds, but mostly, I find myself wondering about the other houses on the block. I can see a dozen or more from the porch. I don't know who lives in any of them but one. Late at night I watch the lights, on and off, and I wonder who lives there. Are they happy? Are they playing with their children, holding their loved ones? So many different scenarios. When I was little I can remember watching airplanes and would invent stories about all the people inside, where they were going and why. This is the same, but more personal, and stranger. I know...I'm odd.

I find it interesting that sometimes I find the answers to questions a little too late. Whats more interesting, is that there are some questions that I didn't even realize needed answering, untill of course it was too late for the answer to help. This is all in all a tough way to learn things, and harder still, are lessons that create regret that also was not there untill that answer came to that question I did not know existed and needed an answer. Confused?...Well just think how i feel.

I was reading today about if people could choose one superpower, what would it be. In a testament to the goodness of men, the number one choice was the power to heal any sickness or wound. But then I read further...it seems that the end result would have been immortality. I thought, maybe that is what I would choose as well, immmortality. Certainly if one could not die, then we would learn and be able to help so many others right? Further thought brings me to the conclusion that people, including myself, choose this because they think, as i sometimes do, that this is it. Once we die, it is over. But is it? Almost all theologies have some version of life everafter. Christian to Taoists, they all believe that there is more to US, than just this. Time therefore becomes the illusion. If we believe that in some form or another, we will always be...then this life is but a minute speck in our overall existense. And in the long run, of little consequense. Except...that makes no sense. We must be here for something. I'm going to go with love and happiness. I can not imagine giving or getting anything better than those two things. Illusion or not.

People change.

A possible side effect of my current situation seems to be that for whatever reason, time seems to have slowed to a crawl. It is strange, when I look at the clock at what should be hours later, it is a fraction of that. I have no idea as to why this is.